Not Group Therapy

One of the frequent assumptions that people make about the couples workshop that we offer, Gottman's Art and Science of Love, is that it involves psychotherapy and that it is a form of group therapy because we are therapists and because the workshop involves a group of couples. However, the workshop is considered "psycho-educational" and not "psychotherapeutic" in that we provide information via lecture and role play demonstration and have couples practice skills by having private conversations. However, we do not perform an assessment of each couple and do not attempt to analyze or modify a couple's behavior based upon individualized goals. The couples that take our workshop should expect that they will not be subjected to therapy questions, but will have the opportunity to learn more from each other and about their relationship. 

What we do is offer a highly effective curriculum, based upon scientific studies, and we offer individual guidance to couples to help them complete communication exercises. Couples are never placed in a situation in which they are asked to disclose personal information in front of a group. They listen to presentations in a lecture style seating arrangement and then are given ample room to spread out and have private conversations while they complete the exercises from the Art and Science of Love curriculum as a couple.

We do believe that there are many benefits of group therapy, such as being able to get feedback from peers and to develop a sense of community. However, we strongly believe that the advantages of group therapy are outweighed by the safety that couples feel in our workshop by not having to share personal information with other couples. A particular type of group therapy that some therapists recommend is support group therapy. What is a support group? It is a group that is either facilitated by a professional or a group of non-professionals. The benefits of support group therapy have been shown by the popularity of the many 12 Step programs that exist and by the many groups that have been designed to support individuals going through grief, illness, difficulties being a caretaker or having a disabled love one. Although we see the benefits of support groups, we have not found a particular support group that is helpful for couples that complete our workshop. Instead if couples are in need of further assistance with their relationship, we recommend couples therapy or a follow-up workshop, titled Art and Science of Love 2 (which is available through www.Gottman.com .   􀀟􀀑􀀆􀀑􀁀􀀅􀀃􀀇􀀂􀀵􀀇􀀃􀀘􀀙􀀙􀀂􀀉􀀅􀀇􀀍􀀉

Our next Gottman Art and Science of Love Workshop is February 27 & 28

We are once again offering Gottman's Art and Science of Love Workshop at the Sonoma Mountain Event Center in Rohnert Park, CA. We welcome all committed couples to attend. Please check out our website www.sonomacouplesworkshops.com for further information and to sign up.

WELCOME TO OUR UPDATED WEBSITE AND BLOG

We at Sonoma Couples Workshops are excited to launch our new and improved website: www.sonomacouplesworkshops.com  and our new blog. Many thanks to our wonderful webmaster, Eva Enger, for making this happen. We hope that the user experience will be friendlier for all of you and for us. Please give us your comments. We have adopted a new format that should make it easier for us to make blog entries. So look out internet.

Also, we hope that the new updates help us with our Google ranking so we can begin to catch up with the likes of www.couples,  www.couples.com, therapistsantarosa.com, and emilymorrison.com. Additionally, we hope that the new year causes Google to recognize us on their first page when people look under counseling santa rosa, therapist santa rosa, or santa rosa counseling. 

Happy 2016,

Michael Basta, LCSW

OUR NEXT ART AND SCIENCE OF LOVE WORKSHOP: NOVEMBER 7 & 8

We have been providing the Art and Science of Love Workshop, developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman since 2008. The workshop is based upon the research and clinical excellence of these two highly accomplished psychologists. We follow the curriculum as developed by the Gottman's and add our own experiences as couples therapists and master trainers and consultants for the Gottman Institute. We have been encouraged by the feedback of past workshop participants to continue to include our spouses in the presentation of the tools/skills that we are part of the Art and Science of Love. We believe that we are in the same boat as all couples struggling to have lasting/loving relationships, so we take the risk to expose ourselves by demonstrating how to use tools/skills in live conversations with our spouses. This is not particularly comfortable, but it seems to be the best way to teach Gottman principles. If you are in a committed relationship and either struggling or just interested in improving your relationship, please consider joining our workshop. Visit 

www.sonomacouplesworkshops.com

 for more information.

Regards, Michael Basta, LCSW and Marcia Gomez, LCSW

Our Next Couples Workshop: June 6 &7

Next Workshop in Sonoma County: June 6 and 7, 2015.

We believe that at least two things make our Gottman Art and Science of Love Couples Workshop unique. First, we include our spouses in the presentation of workshop material. Specifically, we demonstrate couples communication exercises through the use of real life material with our spouses. Marcia and her husband, Mario, and Mike and his wife, Robynne, show participants how to use many of the skills from the workshop curriculum through these live demonstrations. This is not easy and takes some courage, but we believe that it helps participants to get the idea that all couples share common concerns and can use these effective skills to improve communication, conflict management, and emotional connection.

Secondly, on the second day of the workshop we offer an optional and complimentary partner yoga class during the lunch hour. Therese Smith, MFT, who is a gifted yoga instructor, and Mike's wife, Robynne, a long time practitioner of yoga, teach this class to all interested couples. We find that the couples that choose this option are generally calmer and better emotionally connected as they take on the challenges of the afternoon on the second day of the workshop, which is dedicated to conflict management.

Finally, we have recently decided to open ourselves up to the world of Yelp and are now listed there. Please feel free to view our business on Yelp: 

http://www.yelp.com/biz/sonoma-couples-workshops-santa-rosa-3

 to learn more about our workshops.

Michael Basta, LCSW and Marcia Gomez, LCSW

Sonoma Couples Workshops

Falling in Love

I read this article in the New York Times today titled

To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,

regarding the process of falling in love by Mandy Len Catron (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?_r=0). She references a 20 year old study by psychologist, Arthur Aron that developed a procedure for making two people fall in love in a laboratory. Being a Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I of course immediately drew parallels in my mind to Dr. John Gottman's Love Lab, which developed remarkable findings on the factors that destroy love and those that help make it last.

It is this passage from Ms. Catron's article that resonates most strongly with me as a Gottman Therapist:

"Most of us think about love as something that happens to us. We fall. We get crushed.

But what I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action."

In Gottman's research, he found that master couples build "lovemaps", meaning cognitive maps of who their partner is, their partner's likes/dislikes, hopes/fears, best and worst memories, etc... During courtship, as with Dr. Aron's procedures to "make" a couple fall in love, Gottman found that partners ask open-ended questions of each other (like "Would you like to be famous? In what way?" or "What would constitute a perfect day for you?"). Gottman also found that in long term relationships couples often get out of this habit and find themselves asking mainly close-ended questions (such as "did you pay the plumber?"). Gottman noted that master couples tend to have strong "lovemaps" supported by ongoing curiosity about each other and open-ended questioning.

In Ms. Catron's article, she also notes the power of hearing compliments from one's partner and wonders why people don't go about their business by complimenting each other as a matter of course because it feels so good. In fact, Gottman noted from his research that it is also characteristic of master couples to have strong "fondness and admiration" and "a culture of appreciation". Gottman also noted that another characteristic of master couples is that the partners "turn towards" each other's bids for attention, play, affection, advice, and intimacy (among other things) about 85% of the time, while "disaster" couples do so only about a third of the time.

Again, Ms. Catron notes that "love is an action". In Gottman terms, to have a strong friendship and a well funded "emotional bank account", a couple must:

1) Build lovemaps.

2) Develop fondness and admiration.

3) Turn towards each other's bids

In other words, to build love, action is necessary. To learn more about Gottman's research and it's application to couples, visit our website: 

http://sonomacouplesworkshops.com/

 and consider taking one of our Art and Science of Love couples workshops.

Michael Basta, LCSW

Our Workshops Are Now at Sally Tomatoes

We are excited to report that our 2015 Art and Science of Love Couples Workshops will be held at the Sally Tomatoes/Sonoma Mountain Event Center.

This will be the eighth year that we have offered Gottman's Art and Science of Love Workshop for couples in the Sonoma wine country. We continue to believe in the power of this workshop to help couples become better friends and learn to manage conflict better. Our confidence in the workshop is based upon the positive response of our participants in addition to Gottman's strong positive outcome research findings. 

We will again be offering the workshop three times this year: 

February 28/March 1

June 6 and 7 

November 7 and 8. 

We believe that we have found the ideal location for our workshops in the heart of beautiful Sonoma County. The facility is both accessible and private: close to freeway access, lodging, and dining, yet in a beautiful country setting. It offers both indoor and outdoor spaces for couples to complete workshop exercises privately. 

We encourage all couples interested in improving their relationship to attend. For more information about our workshops please visit 

http://sonomacouplesworkshops.com/

 and for more information about Sally Tomatoes please visit 

http://www.sallytomatoes.com/

 .

Happy 2015, Michael Basta, LCSW and Marcia Gomez, LCSW

Sonoma Couples Workshops

Interesting Article from Business Insider

Our wonderful webmaster, Eva Enger, turned us on to this interesting article regarding the science of lasting relationships. Of course the article centers around Gottman's research.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11

Next Gottman Art and Science of Love Workshop: November 8 & 9, 2014!

Our Next Gottman 

Art and Science of Love Couples Workshop: Nov 8 & 9

Sonoma Couples Workshops has scheduled its next Gottman Art and Science of Love Workshop on Saturday and Sunday, November 8th and 9th in Jenner, CA on the beautiful Sonoma coast. We are excited to be offering this time tested workshop for couples at Casa Panama. This is a new venue for us which offers an intimate setting with views of the Russian River and Pacific Ocean. Breakfast and lunch will be included in the registration fee. 

For more information please visit: 

sonomacouplesworkshops.com

Please contact us with questions to: 

info@sonomacouplesworkshops.com

 or call us at (707) 332-8629.

Our next couples workshop will be May 31 and June 1, 2014 in Santa Rosa, CA.

Our next Art and Science of Love couples workshop is scheduled for the weekend of May 31st and June 1st in Santa Rosa. We will be at the Flamingo Hotel for the second time. The venue worked out really well the last time. There is plenty of room for couples to take space to have private conversations when doing communication exercises. The pool looked like fun and should be really appealing on that particular weekend. It may be hard to stay out during the workshop. Please visit our website for more information:

http://sonomacouplesworkshops.com/

 , call us at 

707.332.8629 

or email us at 

info@sonomacouplesworkshops.com

 .

Be there or be square, Mike Basta. 

Limits to Technology

HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS http://bit.ly/tl6A2F See more http://www.collegehumor.com Don't drag her into this. LIKE us on: http://www.facebook.com/collegehumor FOLLOW us on: http://www.twitter.com/collegehumor FOLLOW us on: http://www.tumblr.com/collegehumor

Couples with smart phones can now download helpful apps by searching for Gottman in the app store. However, as this video demonstrates there are limits to technology in the quest to help couples get along better. 
 

We want to announce that we are are happy to be offering both Gottman Level One and Level Two Training for couples therapists this year. Both workshops will be offered in Santa Rosa, CA. Level One is scheduled for Friday, April 4th and Saturday, April 5th. Level Two is scheduled for Thursday, September 4th through Sunday, September 7th. For more information please visit:

http://sonomacouplesworkshops.com/sCW_professionaltraining.php

We hope to see all interested mental health professionals at these workshops.

Regards, Michael Basta, LCSW and Marcia Gomez, LCSW/Sonoma Couples Workshops

This is what keeps us doing the workshops

The following is an endorsement from a participant from our most recent (10/19 and 10/20) Art and Science of Love Workshop in Sonoma. Dr. Sarkisian also took the above photo of us that day.

The Gottman workshop presented by Michael Basta and Marcia Gomez, LCSW’s, has been (and is) profound, challenging and life-changing. The issues we face in our relationships can be addressed in healthy ways that nourish growth and foster healing. Everyone engaged in a relationship should attend, and if you’re fortunate to have Marcia and Michael as your presenters, you will experience two of the most approachable, transparent and dynamic marriage therapists ever, jointly bringing years and years of helping troubled couples navigate their way through the trials, traps and turbulence encountered on the high seas of disharmony and dysfunction. The best part? Hope. And optimism. And the rock-solid tools (no more sense of helplessness) that will help build, re-build or strengthen an existing relationship.   Rick Sarkisian, Ph.D.

Stress Reducing Conversation Continued

Here is another thought about the aforementioned Stress Reducing Conversation. The purpose of this practice is to help a couple support each other in the management of external stresses (i.e. stresses from work, conflicts with friends or neighbors, the daily commute, etc...). When done well, each partner is able to feel validated and supported by the other on a daily basis. The practice becomes a "ritual of connection" in the language of Dr. Bill Doherty.

I introduced the idea to a couple and they sent me a link to an episode of Seinfeld to let me know how difficult they thought it would be for them to practice the Stress Reducing Conversation. They said "You want us to have the Kramer conversation?" After viewing the link I said, "No, I want you to have the Anti-Kramer Conversation." Here it is:

From The Engagement. Season 7 Episode 111. Kramer tells Jerry about the horrors of marriage.

Michael Basta, LCSW

Stress Reducing Conversation

The way men and women communicate with each other is very different. Men want to fix things. Women need to be heard. Men need to watch this

One of the key skills that we teach couples in the Art and Science of Love Workshop is the Stress Reducing Conversation. The root of the practice is Dr. John Gottman's response to an unanticipated outcome from the two year follow-up study on the effectiveness of Behavioral Couples Therapy done by his friend, the late Dr. Neil Jacobson. Although none of the communication skills that Dr. Jacobson taught couples through his Behavioral Couples Therapy approach persisted at two year follow-up, a large number of the couples in his study that maintained gains in therapy independently reported that they were better able to manage "external stress" as a couple. Dr. Jacobson chose not to do anything with this finding, but Dr. Gottman found the finding interesting and created a daily ritual for couples to discuss their daily stresses called The Stress Reducing Conversation.

One of the key skills involved in the successful practice of the Stress Reducing Conversation is to listen and "validate" the emotions of one's partner while suspending the impulse to give advice. Thus Gottman's motto: "Understanding must precede advice". This is easier said than done for some of us. Many people believe that we men tend to have a more difficult time with this skill than do women, although many women have argued that they also struggle with withholding advice. For example, the mothers of teenagers have told me that they find this particularly difficult to do with their teenagers. Thanks to our colleague, Kevin Russell, MFT, here is a video to demonstrate how hard it can be to bite our tongues with our partners when the urge to give advice arises.

Michael Basta, LCSW

Dan Wile on the Rules of Good Communication

When Marcia Gomez and I trained as Gottman Method Couples Therapist in 2002, we were introduced to the work of Dr. Dan Wile, an accomplished couples therapist from Oakland, CA. Dan's techniques have been integrated into Gottman Method and John Gottman frequently quotes from Dan's work. Marcia and I have both gone on the take Dan's intensive training seminar and have joined in on case conferences that he offers locally. The following is an exert from his most recent newsletter regarding the rules for good communication and our difficulty keeping to the rules: 


Thanks to those who commented on my previous newsletter, one of whom, Judith, raised issues that I had planned to address in this newsletter. I have put that aside for the moment to prepare the Workshop for Couples that Dori Kaufmann and I are giving at Esalen on April 19-21, 2013. Since I’m in the midst of preparing for this workshop, I decided to present a segment of it in this newsletter. This following is a distillation of material from my books with several new twists.

WHY THE RULES FOR GOOD COMMUNICATION
ARE SO DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW

The problem with these rules is that you can’t use any of them when you’re angry—which, of course, is when you most need them. Communication skills trainers are sad about it and I’m sad about it, too. You can’t use any of them when you’re angry because they’re telling you in essence, “Don’t be angry.” They’re telling you not to do what every fiber in your body is pressing you to do.

If the rules of communication are impossible to obey—if they fly out the window just when we need them most—are they any use at all? My answer is yes. We can use them when we’ve calmed down after the fight as part of a recovery conversation. And we can point out to our partners when they violate these rules. “There you go again, bringing up grudges from the distant past.” Or, “You just said ‘never.’” Or, “That’s a ‘you” statement.”

Okay, maybe that’s not such a good idea, since it would just provoke our partners. In fact, maybe we need an additional rule: Don’t use the rules for good communication as weapons against your partner.

The best use of these rules is paradoxical. We can master them so we’ll be able to realize—if not during the fight at least afterwards in retrospect—that we violated them. If we realize we’ve violated them, we won’t be surprised by our partner’s angry or defensive response and we won’t get stuck concluding that there’s no way to reason with them.

I’m going to take ten of these rules and show what’s behind the breaking of each of them.

Communication Rule 1. Make “I” Statements not “You” Statements. Your partner’s going to like it much better if you express feelings (“I feel unlovable”) rather than make accusations (“You’re selfish and unloving”). Okay, sure, we know that. But sometimes—especially during a fight—nothing but a good “you” statement will do. And, anyway, we usually don’t think we’re really making “you” statements. We think we’re just saying what’s true—that, for example, our partner is a jerk—and it wouldn’t be hard to prove.

When we’re angry, parts of our brain shut down and other parts open up. We become “you” statement generating machines. We lose the ability to make “I” statements or do anything other than attack or defend. We forget what an “I” statement is. Even if we were to remember, it wouldn’t matter, because we’d have absolutely no interest in making one.

 “You” statements are often first approximations of “I” statements. “You’re completely selfish and irresponsible coming home late like this,” may be a rough first draft of, “I wish I didn’t get so upset when you’re late. You know me, I take it personally.” “You” statements indicate that something needs to be talked about; “I” statements provide the means to do so.

Communication Rule 2: Don’t Say “Always” or “Never” since it raises your partner’s hackles and can easily be refuted by his or her pointing to an exception. If you say “You never lift a finger around here,” your partner can bring up how at times he has emptied the dishwasher, set the table, or made the kids’ lunch. What you really mean is, “I’d like you to do a whole lot more around here and I have a great deal of resentment that you don’t.” “Never,” “always,” and such words are at once too powerful (they are exaggerations that make the other person less likely to listen) and too weak (they are typically easy to refute).

But it’s difficult to avoid using them. When we feel that words are failing us—when we feel that we are not getting through to our partners—“always” and “never” spring naturally to our lips. If these words didn’t exist, we’d have to invent them.

So we’re going to say “always” and “never.” But here’s what you can do. When you find yourself saying one of these, know that you’ve got a frustrated person on your hands, and that person is you. And know that you’re likely to end up feeling even more frustrated because your partner will likely point to an exception.

Communication Rule 3: Don’t interrupt your partner, since it frustrates them, prevents them from having their full say, and makes it less likely they will listen to you. Also, you might be jumping to false conclusions about what they are planning to say. (I’m not talking about those people who like being interrupted because it shows that their partners are really engaged in what they are saying.)

But the more you force yourself to sit there quietly while your partner misrepresents you, lectures you, or makes unfair charges, the angrier and more dispirited you become and the less you’ll be able to listen. By the time you get a chance to talk, you may have built up so much resentment that you throw a tantrum. Or you may have become so demoralized that you no longer feel like saying anything at all.

So here’s the problem: If you interrupt your partner, he or she may become an angry or dispirited person who can’t listen; if you don’t interrupt your partner, you may become an angry or dispirited person who can’t listen.

Occasionally you can resolve this dilemma by making a limited interruption—breaking in but immediately giving the floor back to your partner: “I’m having trouble listening to you right now, but go on” or “There’s something important I’ll want to say about that as soon as you’re done.” For some people, commenting like that—registering that they have an objection—may make it possible for them to listen. And it may only briefly interrupt their partners.

Communication Rule 4: Paraphrase what your partner just said. State it in your own words and check it out. Say, “I hear you saying that you feel … Do I have it right?” or “Let’s see if I understand what you’re saying. You’re saying … Am I right?” The purpose of this rule is to get you to listen to your partner when you hadn’t realized you weren’t and to get your partner to realize that you’re listening when he or she hadn’t thought you were. Also, it’s to make sure you’re not mishearing.

But people feel least like paraphrasing when they need to do it the most, that is, when they’re angry and feel misunderstood. At such a time, they don’t want to listen; they want their partners to listen to them.

Furthermore, paraphrasing and checking back seems to most people artificial and stilted. John Gottman reports that even skillful couples don’t do it. On the other hand, the paraphrasing rule reveals something important about couple life, which is that partners often feel unlistened to by each other. So I recommend devising your own more informal, less stilted version of paraphrasing (active listening):
 “I’ve been so busy trying to get you to see … that I hadn’t noticed that what you’re trying to get me to see is that ….”
“I know you’re trying to tell me …. But I can’t listen because it makes me too mad.”
“Okay, you’re telling me …, but here’s why I don’t buy it.”
“You’ve said that eight times now. The repetition is driving me crazy. But, you know, maybe you’re repeating it because you don’t think I’ve heard—and, well, actually, maybe I haven’t.”
“What particularly touched me in what you just said was…”
 Communication Rule 5: Don’t Mind-Read. People mostly don’t like your telling them what they are feeling, thinking, or trying to do, especially if you’re implying that  they shouldn’t be doing it: “You’re trying to punish me;” “You’re trying to make me feel guilty;” “You must want to be depressed;” and “You always have to be in control.” Mind-reading can trigger an argument as in the following famous example:

You’re angry at me.
No I’m not.
Yes, you are.
I know when I’m angry and I’m not.
Well, then you’re angry unconsciously.
(Voice rising): I already told you, I’m not angry.
(Voice rising) Listen to your voice. You sound angry to me.
Well, I’m angry now—because you keep insisting I’m angry.

When you mind-read, you jump to conclusions. But you might also just be drawing conclusions. And even if you are jumping to conclusions, sometimes you’re right. Therapists draw or jump to conclusions all the time, as in: “You seem angry” or “You seem depressed.” (Some partners enjoy a certain type of mind-reading—finishing each other’s sentences—because their guesses, which are usually correct, show how well they know each other.)

Mind-reading is often an expression of feelings put in the form of assertions about the other person’s feelings. It’s a fear or worry stated as a fact. “You’re bored to death” might mean “I’m worried I’m boring you.” “Why are you so angry at me?” might mean: “I’m worried that you’re angry at me. I know I’ve been withdrawn lately, and I’d be angry if you had disappeared on me that way.” Accordingly, you can use your mind-reading statement—this assertion about your partner’s feelings (“You’re bored to death”)—to track back to your feelings (“I’m worried I’m being boring”).

Communication Rule 6: Stick to One Complaint, since skipping from topic to topic makes it impossible to talk anything through.

But people skip to other topics because they feel that the topic presently being discussed places them at a disadvantage in the argument or because they just thought of a better way to make their point. In other words, they change topics to put themselves in a better position in their fight with their partner—to shift away from the good, possibly unanswerable, point their partner just made or to amass further evidence in their effort (futile as it may be) to convince their partner that they are right.

Communication Rule 7: Don’t Dig Up Old Grievances, since it provokes and demoralizes your partner, leaving them feeling you won’t let them live anything down or forgive them for anything.

But you may need to go to the past to find a clear example of what you feel is happening in more subtle ways today. Alternatively, you may be stuck in the past, feeling that your partner has never fully understood or expressed adequate remorse for something quite hurtful he or she did earlier in the relationship.

Communication Rule 8: Don’t Get Sidetracked Arguing Over Irrelevant Details. “It was in November that it happened.” “No, it was October.” “I remember distinctly it was November.” “You’re wrong. I wasn’t even wearing a jacket.” Arguing over such an irrelevant detail hijacks the conversation.

But the reason people get caught up in such side arguments is that every detail is a chance to express the outrage they feel with their partner and a place to make a stand against what they see as their partner’s need to be right. People argue about irrelevant issues because they are so upset with their partners that they don’t want to agree with them about anything. In such cases, there is no such thing as an irrelevant issue.

It’s useful to realize that whenever you and your partner get bogged down over irrelevant details, the argument is no longer about a particular issue (if it ever was) but about your general frustration with each other. And it’s useful to realize that whatever sense of good will (willingness to give each other the benefit of the doubt) may have existed between you and your partner before has, for the moment at least, disappeared.

Communication Rule 9: Don’t Label, Name-Call, Use Sarcasm, or Threaten to End the Relationship. You don’t need a rule to know that these things are counterproductive and that later you’ll be sorry you said or did them.

But that’s later and now’s now. And now the intensity of your feelings exceeds your ability to think things through. You feel so powerless that you are willing to resort to almost anything, even to statements that will make your partner even less likely to listen to you.

You’re lucky if you are the kind of person who, when angry, automatically edits out anything that you’ll be sorry later that you said. You’re unlucky if you’re the kind of person who, when angry, immediately goes to just those things.

Communication Rule 10: Don’t Dump Out Stored-Up Complaints (in fact, don’t store them up in the first place). Dealing with one complaint at a time is difficult enough.

But here’s the problem: Everyone suppresses complaints, although some people do it more than others. And suppressing them means storing them up. And storing them up leads, in moments of anger, to dumping them out. So we’re going to dump out stored-up complaints.

The middle of a fight is the worst possible time to dump out complaints, but it may be the only possible time. If you don’t dump them out, they may never get out. It’s only then that you’re freed from concern about having too much impact—about hurting your partner’s feelings or starting a fight. Your concern at such moments is only that you aren’t having enough impact. 

Once your complaints are out, you and your partner have the possibility of a useful conversation later when the dust has settled.

The rules for good communication are useful to know. Equally useful is a recognition that everyone is inevitably going to break them.


Dan is Offering the Following Upcoming Event for Couples:


Workshop for Couples
(co-led with Dori Kaufmann)
April 19-21, 2013
at Esalen

We encourage interested couples to consider this workshop. It may be a nice next step for couples that have already taken the Art and Science of Love Workshop that we offer. For more information please visit Dan's website:

http://danwile.com/

To register go to:

http://www.esalen.org/workshop/11834

Best wishes, Michael Basta, LCSW, Gottman Method Couples Therapist

Turning Towards in the Workplace

Here is an interesting article referencing Gottman's research as it applies to the work place. It is written by Dr. Marty Nemko, a career coach. He makes interesting points although he seems to have changed Gottman's language a bit from turning towards, away, and against to moving toward, neutral, and moving away. The principles remain the same despite the changes in language:

http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2013/03/04/simple-techniques-to-increase-your-likeability-at-work

Accepting Influence

Per Gottman's research, master couples accept influence from one another, meaning they show respect for each other's opinions in the decision making process. The following is a recent Facebook posting from the Gottman Institute:


You cannot be influential unless you first accept influence. Respect and honor your partner's opinions and feelings in your decision making. 

In a longterm study of 130 couples, we discovered that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will fail. It is certainly just as important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect. However, our data indicates that the vast majority of wives - even in unstable marriages - already do.

Several authors, including John Gottman, have noted that even today in the United States (with more women than men in the workplace, men now present at the birth of their babies over 90% of the time, and men sharing more equally in household chores) many women are drawn to forgo their life dreams out of a sense of guilt. We recommend that all committed life partners should periodically ask their partner about their life dreams and respectfully include this information in future planning for the couple's life together. This appears to be especially necessary for women in heterosexual relationships. 

Gottman Blog

For more information regarding the work of John Gottman, check out the blog of the Gottman Institute: http://www.gottmanblog.com/2013/02/the-research-predicting-divorce-from.htm
l

Fair and Balanced (Unlike Fox News) regarding sex in committed relationships

Sex in Committed Relationships




John Gottman, Ph.D notes that a strong friendship is the best predictor of good sex in a long term committed relationship. He has been known to challenge the views of Ester Perel, author of Mating in Captivity. Dr. Gottman challenges Ms. Perel's criticism of "the dreaded flannel nighty", stating that it is still possible to explore beneath the nighty. For exposure to two very different views regarding sex in committed relationships, view this video of Ester Perel http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html and also check out John and Julie Gottman at http://gottsex.com/.